đź•’ Last updated: April 30, 2025
Do You Feel Out of Control? How to Master Your Emotions and Find Stability
Do you ever feel like you’re spiralling, unable to find the calm needed to slow down and maintain stability? Do you find yourself overly emotional when interacting with others? Do you want to be more “zen-like” but feel stuck on an emotional rollercoaster? If so, this article is here to help you learn how to manage your emotions and behaviour effectively. This isn’t some self-help article written by someone who has no experience with control issues. I live it every day and I’ve lived it most of my adult life. I want to provide what worked for me and why. I want people to be better. A better humanity is a better world.
Understanding the Flow of Human Emotion
We can liken the human spirit to water. We flow with our surroundings, cutting through obstacles with laser precision. We may move slowly, like a trickling stream, or rush forward like a raging torrent. Our fluidity shows both strength and conscious purpose. We are powerful and adaptable—until the mental dam breaks, and we find ourselves overwhelmed and spilling out in all directions.
My Personal Journey with ADHD, Anxiety, and Depression
I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, back when ADHD was still being widely misunderstood. Along with it, I experienced and still experience, anxiety and mild depression. These traits are as much a part of me as my hair and fingers. Attempting to “heal” myself of them would be as futile as trying to change my ethnicity or gender. Instead, I have learned to accept myself, warts and all.
Serving in the military provided me with structure and discipline, a sort of glass container that allowed me to maintain control. This structure defined my boundaries and gave me a framework to navigate life. Without it, I would still be the chaotic version of myself that I struggled with before. The control this brings allows me to step outside my emotions, view the world objectively, and remain steady. As of now, I am a far calmer and more controlled person. The wild thoughts that run seemingly from my brain to my mouth with no control have all but disappeared.
But it wasn’t always this way.
Before, my mind was constantly moving in multiple directions, leaving me in a conflicted state. I often felt like I was faking my way through life, imitating others just to get by. Despite being a good person with a good heart, I struggled to manage my relationships and responsibilities effectively.
Through the years, I’ve learned to control my emotions and impulsivity by developing a system that helps me slow down, assess my “now” and live in it, and make more intentional choices. Below are the five key principles that have helped me regain control over my life.
Step One: Take Full Responsibility for Your Actions
Stoicism teaches that our choices are ours alone. No external factor determines how we react—only we do. If someone punches you, you have choices: Do you punch back? Do you walk away? Do you try to defuse the situation? Your actions are your own.
By taking full responsibility for your behaviour, you become less reactive and more intentional. When you react emotionally, you allow external factors to control you. But when you take responsibility, you reclaim your power. You act rather than react.
Step Two: Take Ownership of Yourself
Now that you accept full responsibility for your actions, it’s time to take ownership of yourself. You are the creator of who and what you are. That means acknowledging your choices, no matter how small.
It’s easy to make excuses—to justify skipping responsibilities, procrastinating, or blaming others. But when you own your actions, you stop making excuses. If you’re in an argument, ask yourself: Why am I yelling? The truthful answer is, “Because I have lost control of my emotions.” Blaming your anger on someone else is a refusal to take ownership.
When you take ownership, you make better choices. You hold yourself accountable. And, over time, you become a better version of yourself.
Step Three: Lean into the Suffering
In the Air Force, we had a saying: “Embrace the suck.” It means that when something difficult is coming, you can’t escape it—so lean into it. Napoleon Hill once said, “Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle.” This is the foundation of resilience.
Seeds need to be buried in the ground before they can grow. Their roots push through hard earth, seeking water and nutrients. A seed that refuses to struggle remains weak and eventually withers away. When hardship is inevitable, pause and ask yourself: Do I want to run and remain weak, or do I lean into the challenge, hold my chin up, and grow stronger?
Step Four: Share Your Failures Along with Your Successes
It feels great to share our wins. But when we only highlight our successes, we build walls between ourselves and others. People connect more deeply through shared struggles than through shared triumphs.
As an engineer, I learned that you don’t gain knowledge when everything is running smoothly. Growth happens when things break, and you’re forced to get involved to overcome the obstacle. Failure teaches us valuable lessons—lessons that should be shared, not hidden.
By being open about our failures, we show others that it’s okay to fall. More importantly, we show them how to get back up.
Step Five: Stop Participating
One of the most effective ways to control your emotions is to take a mental step back from your surroundings. Observe the world around you without becoming emotionally engaged. Separate yourself from everything else.
Epictetus wrote in The Enchiridion: “Remember that you are an actor in a play, in whatever kind the playwright chooses… see that you act it well.”
Try this: At your next social gathering, step back mentally. Watch how people interact. Notice how one reaction leads to another. Observe without interfering. You’ll realize that the world moves along just fine without your emotional involvement.
And here’s a tough truth: You are not the centre of the universe. The world doesn’t revolve around you. This realization isn’t discouraging—it’s freeing. It allows you to let go of unnecessary worries, ego, and self-doubt.
Being mindful of your place in the grand scheme of things gives you the ability to make better choices. When you recognize that not everything requires your reaction, you gain power over your impulses and emotions.
Final Thoughts: The Power of Stillness
If you’ve made it this far, I commend you. Control is about stillness, about evaluating your need to act before you act. It’s not about ignoring the world around you; rather, it’s about making deliberate choices.
We can all benefit from practicing more control. The person who remains calm appears wiser than the one who throws their energy out into the world with abandon. True control demands that we be accountable to ourselves, offering the world our very best—even when our best means doing absolutely nothing.appears wiser than the manic one who can’t control their energy levels, even if their intent is well-meaning and obvious. Control demands that we be accountable to ourselves and give the world our very best, even if that best is doing absolutely nothing.